If art imitates life, then in this case, we’re fucked.

Dear Quinn,

I don’t know what is wrong with Lora Leigh. This is the second book of hers that I’ve picked up. The first I already reviewed, you may remember, I didn’t like it much. But when I saw this new one in the bargain book store I figured maybe I was giving her too much of a hard time and it was just the book I read that was a dud.

Sadly, I was mistaken.

Just look at that cover. You can tell the woman means business. Just look at that serious girl coming out of the purple haze, leading some big, buff hunk of man meat by his dog tag. They were getting frisky in a cloud of purple desire that you JUST KNOW smells of lilac or Prince’s ball sweat or something.

Although it is nice, just for the sake of argument, to see a headless dude on the cover or a romance instead of, like,  a headless woman. Usually you see boobs, or the occassional bare leg peaking out of a robe or something. but here it’s clear that the men are being objectified. I can get down with that.

Too bad the plot was crap.

No. Seriously. The plot was crap. I didn’t finish it. I tried. But when you can only read a book three pages at a time it makes hard going for finishing a book. That’s including the love scenes, by the way–which STINKS, have you tried putting a book down in the middle of a good rogering, only to come back and the first line you see is something about somebody stoking somebody else’s errant pussy juice or something? It’s damn disconcerting is what it is! So I finally gave up. Because I already know what’s going to happen and Leigh’s managed to make me not only hate every single character in the book, but want to see them all die horribly in a fire or get a serious case of crotch rot.

Here’s the basic synopsis: Emily has had a thing for Kell Kreiger ever since she was a kid. This is made worse because he saved her ass a few years ago (only she didn’t know it was him doing the saving, so I’m not sure how that added to her luv BUT IT DID) and again a year or so later when the SAME KIDNAPPER naps her a second time. Because it ended so well the first time. Emily’s mother died when she was young so her dad took her under his wing and taught her all sorts of outdoorsy mess, including self defense and rock climbing BECAUSE HE WAS A NAVY SEAL\. I’m genuinely unsure what rock climbing has to do with self defense, but they relate because he’s a SEAL. Does thatsound dumb to you? Because it did to me too. But Leigh ges out of her way to talk about how all the male characters except the villians are SEALS at least every three pages. It. Gets. Old.

Anyway, for some reason when Emily hit eighteen her father did a complete 180 and decided that no longer can she be a kick ass tomboy, no, now she must get married and make teh babiez because that other shit he was teaching her before she grew boobs is too dangerous for anybody with a vagina. OH, and he goes out of his way to force her to have bodyguards (because of the two times she got kidnapped) but the bodygaurds aren’t just gaurds, see, they’re also potential husbands. Because apparently at some point before the start of the book her father made it clear to her that these are the guys from which she has to choose a match. She’s not allowed to go on dates herself. She”s supposed to bang one ofthe bodygaurds, and whosover she bringeth to her bed, he shall get the keys to the kingdom.

This is not the least bit creepy to Emily. It’s only seriously annoying. To which I give a resounding WTF?

Emily is, apparently, a struggling romance novel writer. Shes’ got all these romance novels she’s written but none have ever actually been published. She sneaks around doing crazy things in the name of “research” like learning to give lap dances. She’s wrapped every single body guard around her little finger so none of them give full reports to their commanding officer (who’s not her father, all the body gaurds are ALSO Navy SEALS because the navy ritually loans out it’s operatives as fucking potential mates/babysitters ALL THE TIME) which doesn’t at all threaten their job or their ability to protect her.

For instance and purely hypothetically: say Emily was learning how to cook meth from a drug cartel and she pissed off the leader–suddenly a bunch of drug dealers are trying to kill her. Only, the old bodygaurd who knew she was learning to cook meth for extra cash is now stationed in Siberia, so the new one has no fucking clue what’s going on–do you SEE how this might be a problem?

Only it’s never a problem because we’ve forgotten about Kell Krieger. Kell it seems, also has thing (unacknowledged in hi sown head because of his PAST) for miss Emily. Who he regularly refers to as a vixen that he must gently coax out of the wilderness instead of simply trying to trap her because vixens hate that–ask me how soon that analogy got old. Leigh also uses it very three pages. I think she should have saved some time and just NAMED Emily Vixen. It’s a good stripper name, it would have worked for some of her research. See, because Kell’s all in love with Emily from afar apparently he’s basically been stalking her since the last time he kidnapped her to “make sure she’s okay” and it’s amused him to ALSO not report all her researching things to whosoever superior officer because he’s ALSO a SEAL but he enjoys how his vixen fights for her freedom. Or something. I wish I was making this up.

All this is backstory. Apparently the guy that kidnapped Emily the FIRST TWO TIMES has decided to do it a gain. Because it’s what he does. For fun. He’s a scary Columbian drug lord but he doesn’t have cable. Thus he must make his own fun.

Kell is told this by his SO and immediately goes to track down Emily and her newest gorilla who’s already about to quit because she’s “so tough to handle”. Dude, these guy s are all bigger than she is and they’re all with the military training. You’d think a decent headlock would do the trick. I’m just sayin’. So they end up a strip joint because Emily, in the name of research, has decided to learn to do the ancient art of the lap dance. Kell pays the bouncer (who knows him well enough to talk seriously about an unrelated mission–wtf?) to be the one to receive the lap dance because the club was closed and the owner loves Emily (because of course he does) and so he was going to make one of hte bouncers do it because they’re “safe”. She’s twenty six. If she wants to give a guy a lap dance let her.

So anyway, there’s Kell, sitting in a chair. In walks “his vixen” and she proceeds with teh dance. She doesn’t recognize him but is strangely aroused by his presence. HE BREATHES ON HER PANTIES WHEN SHE SHOVES HER JUNK IN HIS FACE and she has an orgasm. Seriously. Emily gets squigged out and runs away. Later on Kell meets up with her father and the rest of his “team” in teh back of her father’s limo. He doesn’t tell him what happened. but he lays down teh law and is all “i’m nher new bodygaurd, I get a free hand” and her dad’s like “Kay, I can see how that’s totes a good idea because you’ve been stalking her for eight years and clearly you have feelings for her that are TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY NORMAL so go ahead.” And he does.

And I have no idea what happens with the rest of the story because I was too busy screaming in frustration. Some dude decides that kidnapping Emily isn’t good enough and now she has to die. Emily finds out that her next door neighbor is part of the SEAL team protection detail. Also, her best friend is a member of Homeland Security and she lives next door to Emily because Emily’s part of her assignment. And Emily’s not the slightest bit pissed. Kell is ridiculously attached to the idea of contraceptives (like, pathologically, according to the book) because of HIS PAST and because they do it once without a condom he’s all pissy (completely foreshadowed pregnancy) and Emily’s like the awesomest thing he’s ever seen so he’s completely ,totally, head-over-heels hot for her. Oh, and her for him too. Only, Emily has the issues and in the beginning when she was telling him to leave her alone (because she felt like her dad told him to seduce her, because that’s what her dad does and she wasn’t having it) he’s completely ignoring her and being all “you know you want it, shut up and enjoy it.”

Honestly, that kind of thing happens in romances all the time. however, when LL does it, it comes off creepy and kinda rapey. Especially since the first time in this book that happens, Emily ended up in tears on the phone with er father begging him to reassign Kell. Kell brushes it off as her just “learning who’s boss”. This is a healthy relationsihp.

But it’s a symptom of a much bigger problem. Having read two of LL’s books, I’m noticing a pattern because every single one of my problems with Maverick manifested themselves in this book too. So I’m reading, not enjoying the hot sex scenes (because they are hot, even if the characters go from making go-goo eyes at each other to dirty talking in ways that would make a porn star blush), but wondering what the hell is LL’s damage that she’s got to keep reinventing the same badly veiled scenario in every book she rights? Anyway, the plot was awful and totally predictable. I don’t have to read to the end to know who the drug-lord’s kid is (uhm…the only latino on the team?) and I don’t need to finish to know who the mole is or to forsee the “betrayel of Emily’s rust” this’ll reak havoc on. At some point Kell’s probably going to have a near death saving her ass and Emily’ll lose her shit and find out she’s pregnant and then happily ever after with the crazy hot porn start fucking. Oh, and the minor subplot about the best friend and the neighbor will pan out with whips and chains and bondage. Because that’s how LL rolls, yo.

Remember Emily’s “I’ve never been published but I’m still cranking out romance novels like there’s no tomorrow” thing? Yeah, her publisher told her she’s not going to get published until her characters are believable. Ha.

Disgusted and annoyed,

Scarlett